How Did This Happen?

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

What…. How did this happen, when did this happen? Why didn’t anyone tell me before? The last time I met mom she looked very healthy but you are saying she is in a critical state, doctors have given up hope and that she may not even see tomorrow?
The person on the other side was my dad from the far end of the Pacific Ocean. My heart wanted to believe this wasn’t true and that I wasn’t guilty of not caring for what was going on in my mother’s life but once again my mind (which was smart and pragmatic) said otherwise. It wasn’t a matter of hours not even days or months – I had last seen my mother 5 years ago… at this point
I said to myself: HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

These were the last words I said aloud over the phone… but I was shouting and screaming within… unsure of what made me feel worse, the fact that my mother – the lady who gave me life was about to depart this world or the guilt that all this time while she was getting to the state she was in today I wasn’t with her, I didn’t even know. But the knowledge that I had almost lost her suddenly made me realize how much she mattered.

My mind raced back and forth along 35 years from the day I was born to today looking for an answer to the question: How did this happen? How did I lose touch with the person who had provided me my first home, fed me, kept me warm and safe until I was complete enough to enter the world? I was extremely sad but was unable to cry because my mind was searching for an answer to the question: How did this happen? We were a team – my mom, my dad and I. Like the marines we had a code too: Team, Family, Friends, World. We would always decide everything together. Discuss openly the issue at hand and respect each other’s thoughts. Respect, Transparency and Agree to disagree were part of the core values of our team. What happened to that code? Was she really going to leave me? How would I survive with out her? Foolish me I was still thinking of myself first, what would happen to me… me.

I was the first and only child in the family and hence was very dear to her. In fact I was as dear as anyone could get as I didn’t have any competition, all the love and candies were for me alone. Although one would expect over protection and excessive instructions as a side effect but surprisingly they were completely absent. She took great care to ensure that she was never over protective. Being a father myself I knew what a great control a parent has to exert over their feelings to overcome it and more so for a mother. But if she cared for me through all these years, where was I when she needed me the most – how did this happen?

I learnt about business from my dad, math and science from my teachers but creativity and most important of all emotions from my mother. More than anything, she, was the source of my emotional development. She brought emotion in our team and it was from her that I learnt about feelings. Understanding what others feel and what emotional needs are. Deciding when to use one’s heart over the mind was something she always wanted me to learn. And learn I did, a ready proof of that was the success rate of making girlfriends in high school and college. But if I could be a successful Casanova in school because I understood the human heart (the female human heart specifically); what happened with the most beautiful woman I have ever known… Why didn’t I understand what she felt…? How did this happen?

My mom would always share all information with my dad but the only times she ever made an exception to that rule/practice was for some specific incidents that involved me. I think this is one of her biggest sacrifices for me far more than waking up early every morning for so many years to wake me up for my activities and studies, to stay awake by my bed all nights while I was sick or never taking up a job to be able to take care of me in the best possible way. This showed that if it seems right then a mother would put her motherhood above any thing else even her own marriage and trust that her kids would respect her sacrifice. My mom loved me in spite of my mistakes, my shortcomings and her love was unconditional and unparalleled. Was it this unconditional love that made me take her and our relationship for granted? Since she never asked for anything in return, ever, it made me forget it was - only because she believed that I would give back without her ever asking. Had I let her down again?

I knew how much she has done for me then how did I get so distanced from her all of a sudden. May be it wasn’t all of a sudden my mind said (remember smart and pragmatic). The same mind which had at many instances taunted me “Grow up Dhwani, how long will you be a mamma’s boy for?” The same mind which taught me to say “This doesn’t concern them, I can live my life and they can live theirs”. Since when did our lives become separate, I didn’t realize but my team was falling apart. I had fallen prey to the common mistake of forming a new team instead of expanding the one I was already part of. Why didn’t I correct my self the first time I uttered “my website for the wedding” or “my new home” or “my success”. I didn’t define my achievements in high school as “my success” ever. It was always our Team’s achievement and why not it be my team’s achievement they usually had more faith and took more pride in the achievement than I did myself. They still did, but I didn’t share the reward anymore…


That’s when I turned to my wife and confided in her. She knew the moment she saw me that something was terribly wrong. I told her what had happened and I could see how she felt the pain I was feeling. She drew a hot bath for me, readied out the clothes I was to wear and confirmed with the airline that the flight to India was on time. I saw it then, how the roles had got replaced, how my wife was now doing the same things that once my mom had done. Maybe this was why I had never felt the void of my mom's absence since my wife had filled that void and the unconditional love that I should have returned to mom had unknowingly gone to my wife instead. This realization came with a blinding flash of light.

That’s when I woke up and realized that my girl friend had turned on the light. I was still disturbed but greatly relieved that it was a dream, a very painful and eye opening dream but just a dream. She asked me if I was ok offered me a glass of water. I told her about it and she calmed me down and ensured me that we would only be an addition but never abandon my team. We called both of our parents right away and they laughed at the mention of this nightmare. Nevertheless, I corrected my statement to them from previous night about it being my wedding and my plans and told them lets discuss and put things on the table…