How Did This Happen?

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

What…. How did this happen, when did this happen? Why didn’t anyone tell me before? The last time I met mom she looked very healthy but you are saying she is in a critical state, doctors have given up hope and that she may not even see tomorrow?
The person on the other side was my dad from the far end of the Pacific Ocean. My heart wanted to believe this wasn’t true and that I wasn’t guilty of not caring for what was going on in my mother’s life but once again my mind (which was smart and pragmatic) said otherwise. It wasn’t a matter of hours not even days or months – I had last seen my mother 5 years ago… at this point
I said to myself: HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

These were the last words I said aloud over the phone… but I was shouting and screaming within… unsure of what made me feel worse, the fact that my mother – the lady who gave me life was about to depart this world or the guilt that all this time while she was getting to the state she was in today I wasn’t with her, I didn’t even know. But the knowledge that I had almost lost her suddenly made me realize how much she mattered.

My mind raced back and forth along 35 years from the day I was born to today looking for an answer to the question: How did this happen? How did I lose touch with the person who had provided me my first home, fed me, kept me warm and safe until I was complete enough to enter the world? I was extremely sad but was unable to cry because my mind was searching for an answer to the question: How did this happen? We were a team – my mom, my dad and I. Like the marines we had a code too: Team, Family, Friends, World. We would always decide everything together. Discuss openly the issue at hand and respect each other’s thoughts. Respect, Transparency and Agree to disagree were part of the core values of our team. What happened to that code? Was she really going to leave me? How would I survive with out her? Foolish me I was still thinking of myself first, what would happen to me… me.

I was the first and only child in the family and hence was very dear to her. In fact I was as dear as anyone could get as I didn’t have any competition, all the love and candies were for me alone. Although one would expect over protection and excessive instructions as a side effect but surprisingly they were completely absent. She took great care to ensure that she was never over protective. Being a father myself I knew what a great control a parent has to exert over their feelings to overcome it and more so for a mother. But if she cared for me through all these years, where was I when she needed me the most – how did this happen?

I learnt about business from my dad, math and science from my teachers but creativity and most important of all emotions from my mother. More than anything, she, was the source of my emotional development. She brought emotion in our team and it was from her that I learnt about feelings. Understanding what others feel and what emotional needs are. Deciding when to use one’s heart over the mind was something she always wanted me to learn. And learn I did, a ready proof of that was the success rate of making girlfriends in high school and college. But if I could be a successful Casanova in school because I understood the human heart (the female human heart specifically); what happened with the most beautiful woman I have ever known… Why didn’t I understand what she felt…? How did this happen?

My mom would always share all information with my dad but the only times she ever made an exception to that rule/practice was for some specific incidents that involved me. I think this is one of her biggest sacrifices for me far more than waking up early every morning for so many years to wake me up for my activities and studies, to stay awake by my bed all nights while I was sick or never taking up a job to be able to take care of me in the best possible way. This showed that if it seems right then a mother would put her motherhood above any thing else even her own marriage and trust that her kids would respect her sacrifice. My mom loved me in spite of my mistakes, my shortcomings and her love was unconditional and unparalleled. Was it this unconditional love that made me take her and our relationship for granted? Since she never asked for anything in return, ever, it made me forget it was - only because she believed that I would give back without her ever asking. Had I let her down again?

I knew how much she has done for me then how did I get so distanced from her all of a sudden. May be it wasn’t all of a sudden my mind said (remember smart and pragmatic). The same mind which had at many instances taunted me “Grow up Dhwani, how long will you be a mamma’s boy for?” The same mind which taught me to say “This doesn’t concern them, I can live my life and they can live theirs”. Since when did our lives become separate, I didn’t realize but my team was falling apart. I had fallen prey to the common mistake of forming a new team instead of expanding the one I was already part of. Why didn’t I correct my self the first time I uttered “my website for the wedding” or “my new home” or “my success”. I didn’t define my achievements in high school as “my success” ever. It was always our Team’s achievement and why not it be my team’s achievement they usually had more faith and took more pride in the achievement than I did myself. They still did, but I didn’t share the reward anymore…


That’s when I turned to my wife and confided in her. She knew the moment she saw me that something was terribly wrong. I told her what had happened and I could see how she felt the pain I was feeling. She drew a hot bath for me, readied out the clothes I was to wear and confirmed with the airline that the flight to India was on time. I saw it then, how the roles had got replaced, how my wife was now doing the same things that once my mom had done. Maybe this was why I had never felt the void of my mom's absence since my wife had filled that void and the unconditional love that I should have returned to mom had unknowingly gone to my wife instead. This realization came with a blinding flash of light.

That’s when I woke up and realized that my girl friend had turned on the light. I was still disturbed but greatly relieved that it was a dream, a very painful and eye opening dream but just a dream. She asked me if I was ok offered me a glass of water. I told her about it and she calmed me down and ensured me that we would only be an addition but never abandon my team. We called both of our parents right away and they laughed at the mention of this nightmare. Nevertheless, I corrected my statement to them from previous night about it being my wedding and my plans and told them lets discuss and put things on the table…

Life's Greatest Present

Mr. Miller was a successful old man – retired from an envious top position in a big corporation, very well respected in the society for both his knowledge and services to the community. Above all he was extremely energetic and cheerful.

Little Johnny lived opposite to Mr. Miller. He had known Johnny since he was a kid and like all other kids even Johnny loved talking to old Mr. Miller. They would often talk about various things and once while talking about gifts Johnny asked what gift Mr. Miller liked the most in his life. Mr. Miller took no time in replying that he loved “the present” that was enabled him to be happier and better do whatever he set out to do. Johnny was curious about the present and asked Mr. Miller if he would share it with him. The old man said sure and Johnny gladly returned to play.

They didn’t talk about the present for a while but Johnny never forgot it. As Johnny got into his teens he realized how the joy of all his gifts would pass away in time. He still wondered if the ultimate present which would make one happier and would enable one to do better whatever they set out to even existed. Mr. Miller loved the company of young people and especially Johnny whom he had seen grow from a young kid to a teenager. He would often observe Johnny mowing his neighbor’s lawn, observe how Johnny loved what he was doing and how much happiness it gave him. Johnny had already confirmed that the present was neither a magic wand that can make all his wishes come true nor was it a time machine which could take him anywhere anytime. One day after being determined to find out what the present was and where to find it Johnny went to Mr. Miller and pestered him to answer his questions. Mr. Miller replied “You already know what the present is; you already know where to find it. And you already know how it can make you happy and successful. You knew it best when you were younger. You have simply forgotten. Johnny had no idea what Mr. Miller meant and completely perplexed the poor guy left.

Johnny grew older, only to expect more in everything and become impatient. He would be anxious about what kind of life laid ahead and be upset about what he had done wrong in the past. He tried hard to be the same cheerful young Johnny but happiness seemed to get sparser every year. He searched the internet, books, magazines and almost everyone he did ever met to find the present but failed. Finally he decided to start working and tried to forget the present. At work he seemed well from the outside but from within he often wondered what he was doing there. He would spend a lot of time trying to find out some other work that would give him more enjoyment and thinking about what he would do after work. His mind often wandered during meetings and even conversation with his friends. He performed adequately but deep down knew that he could have done better. He would think about his girlfriend when at work and would worry about work when with his girlfriend. This not just caused stressed and made him unhappy but also affected his relationship with his girlfriend.

Not completely losing hope on the ultimate present, he returned home to pay a visit to Mr. Miller and share his concerns. Mr. Miller sensed the suffering the moment he looked at Johnny. Johnny asked Mr. Miller to give him the present as he needed it more than ever. Mr. Miller said that though he would love to give it to him, he didn’t have the power to. The present has to be found by each person for himself/herself. Some find it sooner, some take a little longer while some don’t find it at all. He asked Johnny how he felt while mowing the loans. What he was thinking while doing it? Johnny replied, “Al I thought about while mowing the lawn was the lawn in front of me. How I would mow the tricky areas. The other neighbors were so impressed that they too wanted me to mow their lawn and such appreciation for one’s work felt so good. Of course I would also think how to improvise on my work. He sounded as if the answer was obvious. Mr. Miller pointed out that the answer contained the present in it. He suggested Johnny take a break and spend some time alone by himself trying to discover the present.

Johnny felt much better even talking to Mr. Miller and while leaving right before entering his car he saw a kid working like he used to – mowing one of the house’s lawn. Unaware that he was curiously being observed by Johnny the kid continued working in his own way. The lawn was done perfectly with no corner left uncut. So commonplace a task yet it looked like the work of an artist. The young kid paid attention only to moving the grass while whistling and being completely present in the present.

That’s when lightening struck Johnny…. This was “the present” to completely live in the present. Truly it is something we all already have he realized and its only up to us to unwrap it and start using it. Being in the present means focusing on what is happening right now! It means appreciating the gifts we are offered every day. Delighted he went back inside and the moment Mr. Miller saw him enter the room, he realized that Johnny had found the present. Johnny was unable to express his joy… he said, “I found it Mr. Miller, I did, I realize how all my worries can be gotten over if only I live in the present. I am just feeling silly that I didn’t realize it before – all this time when you were trying to give it to me.”

Johnny went back to work next day with new lifted spirits. He put a note on his desk that said “Live in the Present, Concentrate on what’s Important NOW!” that reminded him of the great present he had finally received. He soon saw the success it brought to him. He would now be completely involved in the conversation while talking to people and would try to be present in the meetings when someone was talking. Often his mind would drift into the past or the future but he would look at the card and remind himself of what was important then.
This was the story of young Johnny who discovered the greatest gift of his life – The Present via old Mr. Miller. Why is Johnny’s story important? How does it touch us? Don’t we sometimes if not often too engrossed in worrying about our future that don’t see what lie in front of us. Havent we heard of complains at home – you aren’t listening? Spent too much time day dreaming about our anniversary trip that when its time to leave we find it difficult to let go of the work that had piled up while we were day dreaming? Don’t we sometimes spend too much time feeling sorry about the mistakes we did in the past? If answer to any of the above questions is a yes, we can learn from little Johnny’s story.