Coffee...

He was sitting on the back porch steps. She walked up to him.

"I'm leaving now."

"Please. Don't."
"Did you get everything?"

"Yes. Except for the brown stroller."
"And the memories."

"I'll help you with it."
"I always said it was too big for you."

"Thanks."
"Aren't you gonna say anything to stop me?"

[PAUSE]

"Uhhh...It's going to be a long drive. Do you want a cup of coffee before you...?"
"One last time. For old times sake?"

"Well, I should get going actually, but I guess I could use one."
"The coffee-pot's already on. And he is using coasters. I guess two years of nagging does have effect after all."

"Why are you smiling?"
"I've missed that smile so much. But why am I even asking? I know she's not gonna say anything."

"Nothing...it's nothing."
"For chrissakes, stop smiling. But he does look cute when he's confused."

"I'll...I'll go get the coffee."
"In her favourite mug. I wonder why she didn't pack it up with the rest of her stuff. Good thing I didn't smash it to pieces like I wanted to the other day."

[PAUSE]

"That was quick. Thanks."
"Mmmm...not too frothy, not too sweet, hint of cinnamon. Perfect. If only he had done things like these more often. I can't remember the last time..."

"I hope it's okay."
"Never mind. I can tell you like it."

[PAUSE]

"What are you thinking?"
"You'd better be thinking of something to say to stop me."

"About how simple things used to be. How did we get here? What happened?"
"I guess life happened."

"Hmm."
"What is he getting at?"

"We never went to Paris like we always said we would."
"The City of Love."

"I guess we just got busy with our careers."
"Seriously, if he's just gonna go off into one of his reminiscense daydreams, I'd better leave now."

"Well...so, you know...I was just thinking that...I'm off work for two weeks...and you're already packed...so if you want...we could..."
"O my God, she's giving me that dazed look. Oh wait, now she looks like she's about to cry."

"You are the most crazy...impulsive...deviant...oddball I've ever known, you know that, you silly idiot?"
"Thank you God, thank you..."

[PAUSE] [SOBS] [TEARS] [HUGS]

"So what do we do with the divorce papers?"

"Well, you always said we didn't use the fireplace more often."

"Oh and you do remember that we always said that we'd fly to Paris first class, right?"

"I can't say I do. We still have to pay the lawyers you know."

"No worries. I'm not moving out so you don't have to pay for that."

"You are such a spendthrift."

"And you are such a cheapskate."

The Date

He was late. He muttered silent curses as the crowd jostled and shoved politely to get through the turnstiles. Taking the Harbour line used to be an enjoyable ride, he thought, and now look at it. He ran the rest of the way and reached the platform out of breath. The train was late. He had got worked up for no reason. It had been happening a lot lately. It wasn't good. But then today wasn't any ordinary day. He was taking her out today.

He had met her for the first time on the morning 8:05 northbound. Two months ago. Two months of patience. And persistence. After all, he wasn't much to look at. And she was...well, she was way out of his league. But he had persevered on. He had started with finding out everything there was to know about her, almost bordering on obsessive stalking. Her personal history, her friends, where she lived, where she shopped, where she worked. Finding out about her work had been most difficult. All he had been able to uncover was that she worked for some hush hush department in a company that was almost unknown to the public. And he hadn't pressed on afraid that she might find out she was being watched. Gradually all that had paid off and they became train buddies. She would save him a seat. He would get her a coffee. And this had gone on for quite some time. Till today morning, when he had asked her out. And she had said yes.

The train ground to a halt and he realized it was his stop. Another lapse in attention, thinking about her. Not good, he reminded himself. He hurried out of the station. There was a lot to do. And very little time. But he had planned for this since long. For the next one hour he worked efficiently, almost mechanical in his motions while following his mental blueprint and then got dressed.

He took a taxi uptown but walked the last block while he made a phone call to check on the reservation. The apartment concierge buzzed him in and he took the stairs to number 207.

"Hey. You're here, right on the dot. You'll have to give me a coupla minutes. Come in."

"After you."

The gunshots were almost a whisper. She went limp.

He dialled the number.

"It's done."

He checked the time. Half an hour to the airport, easy. He looked at her. And smirked. One less in the Harbour Line crowd tomorrow.

Journey Of A 100 Rants

This blog post has been in the making for quite some time now. I started out to make a list of top 5 or top 10 things that I find most annoying but I soon realized that a count of 5 or 10 is too small to fit the purpose. So here is my list of 100 things that annoy me the most. I'm sure you will be able to relate to most of these. And in case of the unlikely event that you find yourself on the list, don't worry, I always make exceptions for friends and readers of my blog, so I still love you. Besides, most of it is just tongue-in-cheek humour :P

I hate:

1. Infidelity.
2. Procrastination.
3. Assignments.
4. Grading on a curve.
5. Global warming.
6. Being misunderstood.
7. Lying awake at night unable to sleep.
8. That I am already having a midlife crisis.
9. Gals who pretend to be single but actually aren't.
10. Guys who are actually single but pretend that they aren't.
11. That great gals always go for the sensitive guys.
12. That great gals who don't dig sensitive guys fall for the jerks.
13. That I am neither sensitive nor a jerk.
14. Married people with kids (here on called MPWKs to conserve writing space)
15. MPWKs who get to use the carpool lane although they are not actually carpooling since they would have driven in the same car anyway.
16. MPWKs who weasel out of taking their car when it comes to actual carpooling to a group event since they have no sitting space for co-workers because of the kiddie seats.
17. MPWKs who complain about crowds.
18. MPWKs who create crowds by bringing kids and prams.
19. MPWKs who believe that after entering a restaurant, it is the restaurant owner's responsibility to make their kids behave.
20. MPWKs who have bumper stickers "My kid is a honor student at..."
21. Flip cellphones.
22. Cellphones with loud ringtones.
23. Cellphones with loud people.
24. That incoming SMSs are not free.
25. The iPhone hype.
26. The Windows blue screen of death.
27. The Xbox360 red ring of death.
28. Smog tests.
29. Parallel parking.
30. That public transport in US sucks.
31. Roads that have intersections/traffic lights but are still called expressways.
32. That inspite of spending so much to buy a car, it is the pedestrians that have right-of-way.
33. ATMs that have transaction surcharge.
34. Crowded gyms.
35. People at the gym who walk the treadmill at 2 mph with zero incline.
36. That people who want to play ping pong keep increasing in proportion with number of available ping pong tables.
37. People who stare at you blankly while listening to their iPods.
38. Pink color.
39. Unattended shopping carts.
40. Keys that say "Do not duplicate" on them.
41. The State of Arkansas.
42. High Fructose Corn Syrup.
43. That most desi restaurants close by 9:30 pm.
44. That instant tea is no where as good as instant coffee.
45. That sausages and scones taste nothing like what Enid Blyton described in her stories.
46. That chocolates in the US are no where as good as European chocolates.
47. That good French food is so expensive.
48. That Starbucks discontinued the Chantico.
49. Devaluation of currency.
50. Taxes.
51. Single people whining about paying more taxes than married people.
52. Married people whining about not getting enough tax breaks.
53. That the IRS will catch you if you don't pay the right amount of tax but won't tell you upfront what that amount is.
54. That Halloween is not a national holiday.
55. That company workplaces do not have spring break.
56. Exits that say "Do not exit. Alarm will sound."
57. Forwarded emails that tell you to enjoy life.
58. Forwarded emails that tell you to forward the email.
59. That India did not qualify to the Super 8's.
60. That I don't have any super powers.
61. Scratched dvds.
62. Dvd players that are overly sensitive to scratched dvds.
63. Kareena Kapoor.
64. Sooraj Barjatya.
65. Paris Hilton.
66. People who think Paris Hilton is just misunderstood and deserves a second chance.
67. Neal N' Nikki - The movie, the characters in the movie and the actor-actress in real life.
68. That Neo had to die.
69. That Alfred Hitchcock never won an Oscar.
70. The guy who played Luke Skywalker.
71. That cable companies charge extra for HD.
72. Gals who watch Lord Of The Rings just coz Orlando Bloom looks oh-so-cute with his pointy elf ears.
73. The K-serials.
74. People who follow K-serials and won't shut up.
75. Hangovers.
76. Heartburn.
77. Bad hair days.
78. Private jokes.
79. That there aren't any 1UP mushrooms in real life.
80. Racism.
81. Street muggings.
82. That the really annoying people you wish would get mugged, never get mugged.
83. Nightmares.
84. Having nice dreams and then waking up to realize it wasn't real.
85. "Do not walk on the grass" signs.
86. Cute gals who swear.
87. Musicals.
88. Drunk driving.
89. The rat-race and the fact that even if I win, I'd still be a rat.
90. People who add veggies while making Maggi.
91. Toast speeches that try to be funny but fall flat.
92. That I still don't have a numbered Swiss bank account.
93. Wet blankets. (Especially the really soggy ones)
94. Plastic packaging that says "Peel here to open" but refuses to peel open.
95. Dentist appointments.
96. That gals say "Nothing. I'm fine" when asked what's wrong.
97. Obsessive Compulsive Disorders.
98. Initiation fees, processing fees and non refundable deposits.
99. That I am no where close to starting my own coffee shop.

And last but not the least: Hippies.

Whew! Now I feel better :)

L3T'5 ¢H@T

Ping. Buzz!!!

Hey. Wassup?

Busy?

Not really.

Cool.

Where were you last night? I called a million times.

Heh heh...sorry...phone was switched off...was in library...assignment. Why didn't you leave a message?

Yeah, right. As if you check messages.

Heh heh :P

What assignment?

564

Didn't you have the midterm just last week?

You know I did. So stop rubbing it in. Not my fault the prof is a freakin sadist.

Whoa, wrong side of the bed today morning, eh? :P

Shut up. Slept just two hours. That too in the library.

Aww. You poor thing, you.

That's better :)

Well, if it's any consolation even I was up all night.

How come?

Was thinking about you. Couldn't sleep.

Nice try :P Was your graveyard shift, wasn't it?

Rats ;)

Heh heh...

So you pretty sleepy huh?

Yeah, will have to get a coffee. Boy, am I glad this boring lecture is over...

Yeah, me too.

Stop typing, idiot...we can talk now.

Unplug my laptop first...the power cord's right next to your feet. Hey, cute shoes.

Thanks :) You are such a geek :P

Overdose

Him: "Come on baby, just a couple of snorts."

Her: "Isn't it dangerous?"

Him: "It's just a couple. Trust me babe, you'll feel great."

Her: "Ok."
.
.
Satan: What do you think?

God: I'm not convinced yet.

Satan: You'll see...
.
.
Him: "How do you feel, babes?"

Her: "Oh this is groovy. I see all sorts of colors. And I feel like I am floating. I wanna do more."
.
.
Satan: Well?

God: Fine. You can take her.
.
.
Her: "Make me a line. I wanna snort a whole line."
.
.

A Conversation

"Honey, I'm home..."

"What took you so long?"

"You know, the work, the traffic. They closed the Drake Avenue exit. It's a parking lot out there."

"I've been home for three hours. I left early today to pick up some groceries on the way. Can you believe it? They didn't have any chunky peanut butter. I had to buy the creamy one."

"Quite a misfortune. Really, what is the world coming to these days?"

"You don't have to be sarcastic. I was just saying..."

"Yes dear, I know you were just saying. How was your day?"

"It was okay. Nothing great. How was yours?"

"It was a blast. Mooned the boss and told him to go drown himself."

"Very funny. Did you call the phone company about the extra charges?"

"Yes, I did and the lady suggested it would help some if you spent less time on the phone with your mom."

"Sometimes I wonder why I even try talking sense with you."

"Yes, it is a pity, isn't it? Sometimes I wonder why you said yes when I was kneeling on one leg with a diamond ring in hand."

"The sparkle of the diamond must have blinded me from seeing your true self."

"Ah, some of my wit is finally rubbing off on you. So what did you cook for dinner?"

"Spinach lasagna with ricotta cheese."

"Sounds like a lot of work."

"It was. Opening the packet, thawing the lasagna, heating it in the oven. That's tough, mister."

"Hah...I should have guessed."

"Well, you can crack wise all you want. I have an early presentation tomorrow, so I am off to sleep."

"No wait...listen, sit down for a minute...let's talk...it seems like such a long time since we just sat and talked. I mean talked about each other. Not about work or friends or the weather. Just about us."

"I would love to darling. But not today. It's so late and I just have to get up early for my presentation. We'll talk tomorrow, I promise. Now you just go and have a nice hot shower and enjoy your dinner. Good night, dear."

"Okay. Good night."

He looked at the clock. 7 pm. 10 pm in New York. How he hated the time difference. He sighed. And hung up.

The Departure

He was leaving. We sat nursing our beers at the bar of one of those typically expensive restaurants you would find at the airport. The silence was soothing, a silence that comes naturally to friends who have grown used to each other's company. There was nothing to be said, well, nothing that really mattered. I looked at him. He looked tired and haggard. He hadn't shaved. His eyes were bloodshot and it wasn't because of the booze. But then, a girlfriend breaking up a long term relationship could do that to a guy. If only things had worked out for him.

I watched as fresh information cascaded over the dot matrix departure display after an invisible hand had wiped it clean. Another ten minutes and he would have to proceed for security check, announced a sweet voice. Ten minutes. After years of beer outings and football games and cookouts and late-night parties, it had come down to ten minutes. He had heard it too as he was now unsuccessfully trying to gulp down his pint. I smiled. He would not finish it. He never could. But he always ordered a pint. Some things never change.

We walked to the security check area. He hated long drawn out goodbyes. No pithy sentimental speeches like the ones they gave in the movies. Besides, he had already heard all of it over the past few days. We reached the gate. He turned around and said goodbye. I wished him good luck with a hug and a pat on the back. Yes, he said, luck is something I could have used. And he walked in through the security gate.

I stood there thinking about the way things had turned out. It was a darn shame. The stupid visa quotas. It was a darn shame alright.